adventures in ???passing???

i see my face a bunch of times every single day, and i hear my voice all the time, and it’s very hard to tell if i look or sound different

i get directed to the men’s bathroom now, though, and i listened to a recording of my voice and was legitimately surprised how i sound. my voice is cracking again so it might be dropping again. there’s a very light downy pelt across my chest — it’s light enough you wouldn’t be able to see it if you weren’t me and specifically looking for it. it’s exciting!

voice testing for dummies

so —

i know T is doing SOMETHING, i just don’t know WHAT. i’m in this body all the time 24/7, so from my perspective, i can tell my voice is lowER, but not how low. my deeply embarrassing judge for whether or not i’m passing has become whether or not i get harassed in overwatch? which, a., is deeply stupid, but also b., it’s happened way less, which means: ya boy might be passing!

…on the other hand, i also met some random dude who, within two evenings of playing games, has dropped his whole sad life story on me, including a long digression about his bff who he creeped out by being a nice guy and how her boyfriend doesn’t deserve her in a weird gendered way i have encountered before, where a sad man on the internet finds the closest woman or woman-adjacent person to put his emotions on: n-not passing?

just little masculinized chest things

i used to think that i was agoraphobic, or like — agoraphobic because of depression and anxiety, or lazy, or SOMETHING; turns out it might have just been dysphoria the whole time? it’s so easy to just toss a t-shirt on and go outside without the bone-deep tiredness that would come over me every single time i had to put on a bra (or worse, take off the shirt i was wearing to put a bra on and then a new shirt)

the more i transition, the more i wonder — how much of my mental health problems were actually and genuinely depression and anxiety? how much of it was dysphoria the whole time? i’m not really serious when i say that T literally fixed all my problems, but — it… kind of did? every single one of my mental health problems has been alleviated so fucking much just by stabbing myself in the stomach once a week and paying a not insignificant amount of money to get my tits taken off.

Book Reviews – “The Hidden Life of Trees”, by Peter Wohlleben; “Shrill”, by Lindy West; “Amateur”, by Thomas Page McBee

“amateur” completely wrecked me tbh.

it’s a memoir by the first trans man to box at madison square garden. he talks about manhood and masculinity and what it means, exactly, to Be A Man, and how to be a good man; it included touching on some stuff that is really close to the bone for me (i cried hard at the first time he scares a woman by running behind her, and also when he talks about touch and intimacy between men, and also when he talks about how scary it can be to be a trans man hiding among cis men and how much of manhood is predicated on who isn’t a man, and what that means for trans men).

part of why it really got to me honestly, though, was a really simple thing — i don’t know that i’ve ever really read a description of the masculinizing effect of T that talks about it being beautiful? a thing i struggle with, as part of communities for bi women and lesbians, there’s a LOT of rhetoric about how men are gross and ugly and hairy and thank goodness we’re not attracted to that. there have been people in my life who have talked about the potential changes happening to other transmasc people with such disgust and entitlement that it really knocked me sideways when i started The Juice. even now, you know, i often think of transition as something i had to do (which is not inaccurate; i honestly started getting serious about transition when i realized i’d have breasts for the rest of my life, and i’d rather die than deal with that), as something i’m doing because i wasn’t “good enough” to make it as a girl. reading someone talk about the changes to his body with love and happiness and appreciation for how beautiful it made him was really good for me, i think.

anyway, it’s real good. i am not able to separate out my emotions from it enough to give it anything resembling an objective review, but my cis hetero male coworker recommended it to me, so at least two data points say: it’s good.

Continue reading “Book Reviews – “The Hidden Life of Trees”, by Peter Wohlleben; “Shrill”, by Lindy West; “Amateur”, by Thomas Page McBee”

bad news

so i’m gonna have to find a new job soon :’)

my whole section of my company is getting shut down. it’s about the nicest possible layoff, in that i have literal months to get a new job and management is actively trying to help us all get new gigs, but also: jesus, welp. i really really liked working here and all the people i work with and the fact that i got to work with an office filled with gay people who were supportive of my transition?? so basically, i’m super gutted and decided to do a bit of woo to see what my emotions actually want to do.

Continue reading “bad news”

sports writing

i enjoyed these articles; you might too

The Hike: John Muir In a Week, by Michael Lanza

one of my niche interests is reading about other people doing ultralight backpacking trips, and then not doing that.

To Win an Ultramarathon, You Need a Devil to Chase, by Colin Daileda

i love reading about ultramarathons. i love listening to people talk about ultramarathons. “it sucks, you’ll want to die. love it, can’t wait for my next!” perfection.

The Sea of Crises, by Brian Phillips

i know i linked this just like a day ago, but: seriously, even if you don’t care about sumo or japanese history, read this anyway, it’s that good

A Sampling of the Gross Shit That Has Happened to My Body Since I Started Running, by Erin Gloria Ryan

this is absolutely my favorite piece of writing about running i’ve ever read (also check out How to Look Beautiful While Running a Marathon)

Raising the Dead, by Tim Zimmermann

about cave diving and the draw of sports that will kill you

Surviving an 8,000 Foot Fall, by Joe Spring

despite the title, i had to walk away from this one for a minute bc my hands were sweating too hard

some things to read from the internet

The Crane Wife, by CJ Hauser (tw for abusive relationships) — about leaving behind a relationship, and about studying cranes

Here is what I learned once I began studying whooping cranes: only a small part of studying them has anything to do with the birds. Instead we counted berries. Counted crabs. Measured water salinity. Stood in the mud. Measured the speed of the wind.

It turns out, if you want to save a species, you don’t spend your time staring at the bird you want to save. You look at the things it relies on to live instead. You ask if there is enough to eat and drink. You ask if there is a safe place to sleep. Is there enough here to survive?

Wading through the muck of the Aransas Reserve I understood that every chance for food matters. Every pool of drinkable water matters. Every wolfberry dangling from a twig, in Texas, in January, matters. The difference between sustaining life and not having enough was that small.

If there were a kind of rehab for people ashamed to have needs, maybe this was it. You will go to the gulf. You will count every wolfberry. You will measure the depth of each puddle.

Continue reading “some things to read from the internet”