for the most part,
— i mean, i grew up in
there was def some noble savagery in some of the descriptions of the
…rather — maybe it’s more accurate to say that a LOT of mental health stuff was wrapped up in the physical part, in much more foundational and fundamental ways than
some of the more surprising ways things have changed have been purely mood-related —
- for one thing,
just nicer. now that i’m i’mnot miserable, i’mmore generous than iwas before, and iresent it less when ido things for other people. ilike kids way more! taking off the gendered pressure that iMust Want Children because Biology makes me a lot more patient and less existentially freaked out by them i’ma better feminist (see title). for pretty much my entire life ihad a really hard time wrapping my head around the idea that people actually like being women, or at least don’t mind it. it’s constrained my life in so many ways! but being out from under the crushing weight of expectation has made me less judgy about people ithink are doing it wrong, and more willing to see different perspectives, and less disgusted by — okay this is going to possibly sound bad, but — iwas pretty horrified by my own breasts and definitely that affected how ithought about other people.
…….as a side note, everyone else in the webring is a lot less blog-chatty than i am, which i simultaneously feel self conscious about and also
I too am not a bit tamed—I too am untranslatable;walt whitman
I sound my barbaric yawp over the roofs of the world.
(on a semi-related note, i have been rereading some walt whitman now that i know he was gay and: as a sad closeted teenager i really resented him talking about how he saw me and was waiting for me, but now as a [DATA EXPUNGED] trans [FILE NOT FOUND], like — thanks for keeping an eye out for me, gay uncle walt <3)
i see my face a bunch of times every single day, and i hear my voice all the time, and it’s very hard to tell if i look or sound different
i get directed to the men’s bathroom now, though, and i listened to a recording of my voice and was legitimately surprised how i sound. my voice is cracking again so it might be dropping again. there’s a very light downy pelt across my chest — it’s light enough you wouldn’t be able to see it if you weren’t me and specifically looking for it. it’s exciting!
i know T is doing SOMETHING, i just don’t know WHAT. i’m in this body all the time 24/7, so from my perspective, i can tell my voice is lowER, but not how low. my deeply embarrassing judge for whether or not i’m passing has become whether or not i get harassed in overwatch? which, a., is deeply stupid, but also b., it’s happened way less, which means: ya boy might be passing!
…on the other hand, i also met some random dude who, within two evenings of playing games, has dropped his whole sad life story on me, including a long digression about his bff who he creeped out by being a nice guy and how her boyfriend doesn’t deserve her in a weird gendered way i have encountered before, where a sad man on the internet finds the closest woman or woman-adjacent person to put his emotions on: n-not passing?
i used to think that i was agoraphobic, or like — agoraphobic because of depression and anxiety, or lazy, or SOMETHING; turns out it might have just been dysphoria the whole time? it’s so easy to just toss a t-shirt on and go outside without the bone-deep tiredness that would come over me every single time i had to put on a bra (or worse, take off the shirt i was wearing to put a bra on and then a new shirt)
the more i transition, the more i wonder — how much of my mental health problems were actually and genuinely depression and anxiety? how much of it was dysphoria the whole time? i’m not really serious when i say that T literally fixed all my problems, but — it… kind of did? every single one of my mental health problems has been alleviated so fucking much just by stabbing myself in the stomach once a week and paying a not insignificant amount of money to get my tits taken off.