scarfest

my body is doing its best to figure out wtf to even do about getting cut open and reshaped; it’s been coping really weirdly.

for a while i was getting what felt like mild electrical shocks while my nerves knit themselves back together; that’s mostly finished up, but it was WEIRD AS HELL. it didn’t hurt at all, but i could feel them creep their way along my chest.

that’s mostly stopped, and for the most part what i feel is just the tightness and pulling of my scars — they’re not as flexible as the skin around them, so i can feel pressure and tugging when i move my arms in certain ways.

today, though, i’ve been nauseated and pukey all day; it’s the weirdest fucking feeling to feel nausea in your scar tissue?? it’s like — somewhere between feeling my pulse and just feeling pressure/heat/cold/tingling along the seams as my body deals with being sick. very, very weird!

from guru to voodoo and voodoo to zen

a brief note for friends/friends of blog: i am slowly titrating off of sertraline. i am at least marginally more self-aware than i was a few years ago, so i THINK i will notice if this experiment super doesn’t work, but also if you notice me completely falling to pieces, a “hey, so how’s the med thing working out?” would be appreciated tbh

i — have questions about whether or not this is a good idea tbh, but

  1. T and shitloads of therapy have solved many problems! i feel much more betterer — if this doesn’t work out, then i’ll go back on, but i’m curious how substantial this change has been
  2. i am bad at remembering to pick up medications
  3. …….my psych used part of our time together to explain to me how confusing they/them pronouns are, and then i really didn’t want to go back.

birthright

a tiny protip to every journalist and politician in the US right now:

“actually, she was born here” or “actually, she’s been a citizen longer than [benchmark]” is a tempting gotcha, but also: every argument along those lines implicitly accepts, “go back to where you came from” as an acceptable argument in some circumstances

literally it doesn’t matter where anybody was born; the correct response to what is a racism 101 attack is, “that’s fucking racist and saying it is appalling” hth!

fair warning

I’ve been noodling around about happiness (I’m… possibly… content???? I view this with enormous suspicion, but also: I might be????) and embodiment a whole bunch, since when you’re recovering from surgery and can only handle tasks on the level of, “retrieve an ice pack and watch TV while on industrial strength painkillers”, and also you’re super thrilled about it, you think like

a whole lot

about it

ALSO I am gonna write up an actual post about top surgery, complete with gooey pictures of my nips; watch this space

how to be happy

so like — “i just decided one day to wake up and be happy” is obviously not how that worked at all. getting to a point of being more or less content took a lot a lot A LOT of time and effort (and so goddamn much therapy) and i am not really there yet.

…that being said — for me, at least, i had to decide that i was at least going to try, and a big part of that was because the idea of getting “better” was genuinely scary.

Continue reading “how to be happy”

an update

SO I HAD TOP SURGERY

i’ll probably put up a more in-detail post later, but: ya bro doesn’t have tiddies anymore and is feeling pretty good about that!! i’m healing nicely and coping with the gnarlier parts; i’m excited for when i finally get everything off and can enjoy my fancy new chest, but in the mean time, we’re chugging along well!