the thing is — i am fundamentally too fucked in the head to have the sort of relationship i would like to have? i’m afraid of people, i want to have sex with someone but the thought of actually doing it is terrifying (not least of all bc — not only do i have non-standard […]
Author Archives: rystar.today
temporary sademployment
hello i am home from the last day of my job and i’m really sad about it so there’s all the usual things of “i learned a lot” and “i liked the people” reasons to be sad, but also — BOY my last job fucking sucked??? the whole “you look too gay to succeed” conversation […]
for your reading pain
here are two things i read recently that gave me an emotion; you may also feel an emotion as well. “motherless by choice“, by katie naum There is no easy way to say, “I’m estranged from my mother.” It’s even harder to say, “I’ve cut my mother out of my life,” clarifying that you are […]
a minor post surgery note
i had some bonus bleeding on the right side of my chest and there is a hard little lump of tissue there and it’s going to be there for a while and every now and again i’ll lean up against something and it’ll stick me in the hard lump and i will not really notice […]
a thing about cis hetero relationships
man i tell u what, it fucks me up sometimes to think about how many cis hetero men can talk a big game about being equal partners in a relationship and then just — aren’t? a friend was talking about the constant low-level scanning for things to put away, which — yeah; to some extent, […]
weird shit i bought in the hopes it would make me feel better while looking for a job:
extremely minimalist running shoes (fix your form, fix your ENTIRE life) tickets to japan for new year’s (if i don’t get a job i might as well be sad in japan, right?) cat toys (a big hit) cat harness (a complete and utter failure that nubs didn‘t forgive me for for like 48 hours) so […]
book review: “Priestdaddy”, by Patricia Lockwood
man i don’t know that i can actually write the review i want to write? it’s one of the many weird things about having a dead dad, that talking about the things i wish were different about my dad feels like a betrayal. so — who knows. one day i’ll write a proper review! in […]
book review: “the thief”, by megan whalen turner
i saw this while scrolling through the library app! i loved this book immensely as a Youth — i blew through it in a few hours while panicking over job hunt stuff and enjoyed it just as much now as i ever did
book review: “born to run”, by christopher mcdougall
for the most part, i enjoyed this! i was kind of not expecting to tbh, but — — i mean, i grew up in seattle in an evangelical household; i’ve more or less gotten over a lot of it, but between the self conscious yuppified hippie bullshit and the evangelical damage, my big stupid pollyanna […]
terrifying shit
i — would like to maybe possibly not, like, for suresies, but possibly try dating again. experimenting sexually, even! i have no earthly idea how to do that, esp while trans! do i just make a grindr?? (bonus: for a wide variety of reasons i don’t want to ~experiment sexually~ with people i know and […]