i’ve been having the feeling on and off for the last two-ish months that, if i vanished tomorrow, most people would be better off. this is a lie for a variety of reasons, and talking about it is hard because it makes people feel bad about it, but — it’s been a lot of just […]
Author Archives: rystar.today
book review: “her body and other parties” by carmen maria machado, “the memory police” by yoko ogawa, and “the white book” by han kang
things are really hard right now. more details when i feel up to it, but in the mean time: here are three excellent books i read. “her body and other parties” is a series of short stories. many of them are horror, and also many of them made me laugh. the weakest i think was […]
food stuff: stuff with food
(tw disordered eating, food talk) i went off brain meds, which has been a really weird and confusing trip; a big thing is that i don’t… quite know what my appetite is doing, actually. i accidentally tripped a food tripwire i didn’t know i had and started restricting really weirdly, so i’ve been trying ~intuitive […]
misc housekeeping
(tw: suicidality and self harm ment) so like — it’s super melodramatic to talk about deleting posts on the internet as even vaguely related to suicidality, but honestly it’s not not related. a lot of my suicidal tendencies are not like — i don’t want to kill myself, that’s violent and punishing (and lol what […]
the thing is — i am fundamentally too fucked in the head to have the sort of relationship i would like to have? i’m afraid of people, i want to have sex with someone but the thought of actually doing it is terrifying (not least of all bc — not only do i have non-standard […]
temporary sademployment
hello i am home from the last day of my job and i’m really sad about it so there’s all the usual things of “i learned a lot” and “i liked the people” reasons to be sad, but also — BOY my last job fucking sucked??? the whole “you look too gay to succeed” conversation […]
for your reading pain
here are two things i read recently that gave me an emotion; you may also feel an emotion as well. “motherless by choice“, by katie naum There is no easy way to say, “I’m estranged from my mother.” It’s even harder to say, “I’ve cut my mother out of my life,” clarifying that you are […]
a minor post surgery note
i had some bonus bleeding on the right side of my chest and there is a hard little lump of tissue there and it’s going to be there for a while and every now and again i’ll lean up against something and it’ll stick me in the hard lump and i will not really notice […]
a thing about cis hetero relationships
man i tell u what, it fucks me up sometimes to think about how many cis hetero men can talk a big game about being equal partners in a relationship and then just — aren’t? a friend was talking about the constant low-level scanning for things to put away, which — yeah; to some extent, […]
weird shit i bought in the hopes it would make me feel better while looking for a job:
extremely minimalist running shoes (fix your form, fix your ENTIRE life) tickets to japan for new year’s (if i don’t get a job i might as well be sad in japan, right?) cat toys (a big hit) cat harness (a complete and utter failure that nubs didn‘t forgive me for for like 48 hours) so […]