had a really embarrassing therapy session where i admitted that i actually DO want romance and love the whole time i thought i was a girl, i was always aiming for “good enough” — i definitely had in the back of my head at all times that love between two men was probably the pinnacle […]
Author Archives: rystar.today
an update, part 1 of 2
hi blog, long time no write – here’s a brief update on my life, in two parts because it got long the good: i’m starting to feel better at work. i’m starting to actively make connections with people again. i’m getting fitter and stronger, which is nice. korean is hard, and i study a lot, […]
books: “trick mirror” by jia tolentino, “nine perfect strangers” by liane moriarty, “ghost wall” by sarah moss
trick mirror ugh jia tolentino is such a good writer tbh, when i got my new yorker subscription the first thing i did was read her entire backlog in like two nights. i’ve been following her work since jezebel and it’s really exciting tbh! anyway i really enjoyed this book of essays, and i liked […]
book reviews: the witness wore red, the ballad of black tom, transcription, lot, provenance, the raven tower, wilder girls
long time no write, blog. things have been weird and difficult recently and updating this has seemed literally insurmountably hard, but i also didn’t stop reading in that time, so we’ve got a backlog — reviews under the cut.
too much
a big part of why i’ve been quiet on here recently is i’ve been trying to figure out how much i should or shouldn’t speak or have hobbies or interests in public recently someone said something that really made me realize i need to stop boring everyone by posting dumb shit i’ve made, which — […]
real sad dumbass hours
i’ve been having the feeling on and off for the last two-ish months that, if i vanished tomorrow, most people would be better off. this is a lie for a variety of reasons, and talking about it is hard because it makes people feel bad about it, but — it’s been a lot of just […]
book review: “her body and other parties” by carmen maria machado, “the memory police” by yoko ogawa, and “the white book” by han kang
things are really hard right now. more details when i feel up to it, but in the mean time: here are three excellent books i read. “her body and other parties” is a series of short stories. many of them are horror, and also many of them made me laugh. the weakest i think was […]
food stuff: stuff with food
(tw disordered eating, food talk) i went off brain meds, which has been a really weird and confusing trip; a big thing is that i don’t… quite know what my appetite is doing, actually. i accidentally tripped a food tripwire i didn’t know i had and started restricting really weirdly, so i’ve been trying ~intuitive […]
misc housekeeping
(tw: suicidality and self harm ment) so like — it’s super melodramatic to talk about deleting posts on the internet as even vaguely related to suicidality, but honestly it’s not not related. a lot of my suicidal tendencies are not like — i don’t want to kill myself, that’s violent and punishing (and lol what […]
the thing is — i am fundamentally too fucked in the head to have the sort of relationship i would like to have? i’m afraid of people, i want to have sex with someone but the thought of actually doing it is terrifying (not least of all bc — not only do i have non-standard […]