mortifying: local human desires romance and affection

had a really embarrassing therapy session where i admitted that i actually DO want romance and love

the whole time i thought i was a girl, i was always aiming for “good enough” — i definitely had in the back of my head at all times that love between two men was probably the pinnacle of romance, and anything i could possibly come up with was going to inherently be not as good in some fundamental way — it’s less specifically gay love, i think, because i do genuinely think i’m bi now, but more a relationship where i would be seen as a man, which was not possible in any imagined hetero relationship for me. so with hetero relationships, finding someone who didn’t make me actively want to off myself was good enough, finding a lesbian relationship that was pretty okay was good enough, anything that was okay enough/better than being alone was the only thing i could ever really hope for

and now that i don’t feel trapped in my body — i want to be Romanced, with a capital R? i want someone to seek me out and woo me? i want some big sweeping drama? i thought i didn’t! i thought it was good enough to have someone you didn’t hate being around, but — turns out, the thought of (for example) a public proposal is still embarrassing but almost nice embarrassing? the idea of someone embarrassing himself out of love for me is — nice?? christ, what do i even do with that?

(the terrible second half, that i’m letting myself feel because not feeling your feelings, turns out, is bad for you and i’m trying to hit the happy medium of feeling feelings and not feeling bad i’ve had a feeling at all, is that — i’ve missed out on so much of my life by being in denial, huh? i mean, life isn’t over obv, but — i’ll never have a high school romance, or a college romance, or any of that. which, many people do not, but i’m also going to let myself mourn that a little, that i missed so much possibility by being closeted/crazy/traumatized.)

it’s deeply embarrassing to me to want to be loved, and (typing this out, i am cringing in shame and embarrassment) wanting to be desired. i thought i didn’t want any of this, and wanting it at all feels deeply embarrassing.

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