an update, part 1 of 2

hi blog, long time no write – here’s a brief update on my life, in two parts because it got long

the good:

i’m starting to feel better at work. i’m starting to actively make connections with people again. i’m getting fitter and stronger, which is nice. korean is hard, and i study a lot, but i’m getting stronger at that too.

what’s really helped is that i’ve figured out at least a few ways to work with myself instead of against myself — for example, i am functionally incapable of telling how much soup i’m going to make at any given time. instead of eating nothing but soup and feeling guilty and terrible when i throw the last bit out… what if, get this, what if i froze it and ate it later?? making my life better now and also further along the road? what if that’s a viable thing, instead of beating myself up about not being normal about goddamn soup?

the bad:

i tend towards maladaptive daydreaming and friends: it’s been a rough several months, honestly, for it. i keep imagining a reality in which someone who is similar to me but better and funnier and hotter and sexier has relationships with someone who chooses them first, because it’s so much easier than actually going out and trying? and then i feel broken and stupid, so i do it more, so i feel broken and stupid, so i etc etc etc, and — admitting it is humiliating. i admitted it to my therapist.

the thing is, not doing it also feels like a loss? like, it’s beautiful and fun and makes me feel briefly better than i am, which is part of why it’s been so hard to stop, which leads to…

the ugly:

…getting better is fucking hard, but it’s also just — not fun. i feel like that’s something people don’t talk about a lot — that it’s a loss that’s good for you, but it’s still kind of a loss to lose, for example, the ability to retreat into a lovely daydream. i actually ran up against this in a pretty fucked up way a while ago, where i tried to self-injure and it just — didn’t make me feel better? which is cosmically good, but a weird, weird feeling, and genuinely felt like a constriction in a way i wasn’t expecting.

plus, too — being crazy and sad is such a good excuse for certain things? like, “oh, it’s fine i’m lagging behind all my peers*, it’s because i’m ~depressed~”, and losing that excuse feels TERRIFYING, for someone as neurotically achievement focused as me.

…on the plus side, we’re getting there. at least i like — can tell the bad stuff is a problem, you know? like, five years ago, i would not have put “i actively avoid connections with other people” together with “i am actively sad all the time”, so like — that’s something, isn’t it?

* i know, i know this isn’t how it works, but boy it sure feels that way a LOT of the time

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