(tw: suicidality and self harm ment)
so like — it’s super melodramatic to talk about deleting posts on the internet as even vaguely related to suicidality, but honestly it’s not not related.
a lot of my suicidal tendencies are not like — i don’t want to kill myself, that’s violent and punishing (and lol what self harm is for), i want to stop existing, which is much more passive and peaceful. in the worst throes of it, it’s not so much that i wanted to hurt or punish myself or anything, i wanted to remove myself from other people’s concern — if all you do is hurt people by existing, then probably it is for the best to hurt everyone a bunch once and never have to worry about it again!
(as a side note, i put a lot of effort into coming up with a plan that would inconvenience or shock as few people as possible; tbh i’m still kind of proud of it, i think it was a pretty solid one.)
erasing posts isn’t — sometimes it’s shame, but honestly a lot of it is the same self-negating tendency, down at its core. i’ve experimented on and off with not doing that, and i’m — gonna try, i guess, even though i feel guilty about leaving things up, too? bluh being a person is fucking hard work and i hate it.